


Hold On

by Mighty_Penguin_96



Series: Hold On [2]
Category: In the Heights - Miranda/Hudes
Genre: Dani and Carla being moms, Depression, Explicit Child Abuse, Explicit suicide attempt, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Nina is doing her best, Slightly unreliable narrator, Suicide Attempt, Vanessa is also doing her best, i cannot express this enough, implied drugging, like i know I normally write dark stuff but this had me in tears, please be cautious, please reach out to someone if you're suicidal, suicidal character, this hurt to write but inspiration struck at midnight and you know what that means, this is dark yall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:53:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28930566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mighty_Penguin_96/pseuds/Mighty_Penguin_96
Summary: Vanessa just wants to be happy.
Relationships: Nina Rosario & Vanessa
Series: Hold On [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2121834
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Hold On

**Author's Note:**

> I put it in the tags as much as possible but there is an EXPLICIT SUICIDE ATTEMPT. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION.

It’s funny, isn’t it?

It’s funny how people don’t seem to care until the last possible moment. How they give you just a bit, just a little, tiny bit, enough to keep you alive, and then leave you drowning, wanting more.

Well, maybe it wasn’t funny.

But it was at least ironic.

Nina would be proud of her for using that word correctly- _if_ she had used that word correctly. As the wind whipped at her, she found she didn’t care too much.

Maybe it wasn't that they didn't care. But they weren't helping her, and what was the difference?

Did she have second thoughts? Maybe.

But they were less second thoughts and more thoughts about Nina.

God, Nina.

Nina, who laughed when she laughed, who cried when she cried, who was always there for her, no if’s, and’s, or but’s. Nina, who was so concerned- Vanessa could hear it in her voice when she asked about her day, could see it in her eyes when she flew away to Stanford. But Nina, in all her caring and kindness, never pushed. Never pushed, never took anything that wasn’t freely given. But Vanessa needed someone to push her, to sit her down and say, “I know you’re not okay. Talk to me.”

But she never got that.

Did she?  
Perhaps she did, in Daniela and Carla. They made her talk whenever it was obvious something was bugging her, didn’t they? They gave her a place to stay, hell, even a bed, whenever her mom was too much. But it wasn’t like she could say she wanted to kill herself over dinner, before she takes Carla’s bed and pretends that she’s not jealous of their relationship.

No, that’s not fair.

Daniela and Carla would’ve listened. Nina would’ve listened.

So Vanessa screamed into the wind until she cried, then she walked down the fire escape and went home.

* * *

She remembers a time when she wasn’t like this- when her mom loved her and all she had to worry about was who had a crush on who.

She’s had a crush on Nina for longer than she could remember, but Nina only ever talked about _Benny,_ of all people.

Okay, yeah, his dancing was cool, but he wasn’t doing anything Vanessa couldn’t do. Maybe that was why she started dancing with him, Usnavi, and the older kids after school. To catch a pretty girl’s eye.

Did she ever catch her eye though? Probably not. Did she learn hella cool dance moves that she used every other night at the club? Hell yeah.

But then her mom started drinking and telling her horrible, horrible things, like how much she looked like her dad.

She used to say it lovingly, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. Now she spat it out, like it was Vanessa’s own personal fault.

And as her mom drank more, Vanessa danced more- staying after school and going to clubs and going home with boys and staying up too late and showing up at Daniela’s apartment after her drink had tasted salty instead of sweet.

Daniela said she was lucky no one hurt her that night.

Vanessa never spoke up about what really happened that night. She probably should have.

* * *

The next time Vanessa found herself on the fire escape, the sun was setting.

What was it Nina’s mom always said? “Pieces of peace can always be found” or something cheesy like that.

Maybe she was right, though. The sun was setting and the barrio was quiet, like everyone’s lives had suddenly slowed down just enough for them to be grateful for what they had, like every dancer had taken a breath at the same time.

It didn’t last long, though, because a bird cawed and trucks honked and the city came back to life and Vanessa was teetering at the edge but she didn’t jump.

She didn’t jump.

Not yet.

She could taste the breeze on her lips as the sun warmed her skin and all she could think of was how badly she wanted to be happy.

How badly she wished that instead of moving out of the barrio she could just move in with Daniela and Carla, who are basically her surrogate moms at this point. How badly she wished she could just call Nina and tell her that she loved her, that she’s loved her, that she’ll love her.

She sat down and pulled out her phone to call Nina before she thought better of it- Nina would probably be in a lecture, or working, or something. She didn’t need to worry about her problems, not right now.

Or so she thought- her phone started buzzing with an incoming call from Nina, startling Vanessa so bad she nearly dropped it.

Boy, _that_ would’ve been a reason to jump.

“Nina!” Vanessa greeted, pouring all her charm into her voice and pushing down how _tired_ she was.

“Hey, Nessa. Right now an okay time to talk?”

“Yeah, I’m free. You good?”

Nina sighed. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I’m just tired. School has been kicking my ass.”

Vanessa faked a gasp. “Who are you and what have you done with Nina Rosario?”

“Shut up, asshole,” Nina laughed. “It’s not my fault. Do _you_ wanna try taking trigonometry?”

“Hell no, I don’t, that’s why I dropped out of school and started working at the salon. Are we sure you’re the smart one, here?”

“At least the book-smart one. Definitely not the one with common sense.” Nina sighed again.

“Are you okay?” Vanessa asked softly.

“Yeah.” Nina paused. “Yeah. Just homesick. I wish I could come back, just for a little.”

“When’s winter vacation start?”

“Not for another month, unfortunately.”

“Damn.”

After a moment, Nina spoke again. “I miss the food the most, I think. Or, it’s at least way up there.”

Vanessa laughed. “Somehow, I’m not surprised. What are they feeding you out there, fish and chips?”

“Pfft. I wish it was that. It’s usually a dry ass burger and some stale fucking fries.”

“Aw, is California cuisine not living up to the princess’s standards?”

Nina sniffed. “It is not. I want some tacos.”

They laughed.

Someone spoke on Nina’s end of the call- Vanessa couldn’t make out what they were saying, nor Nina’s response, but Nina didn’t sound happy.

“Hey, Nessa?”

“Yeah?”

“I gotta go. But, uh, are you doing okay?”

Vanessa froze.

How could she tell Nina that as they were laughing, her feet were dangling several stories in the air? How could she say that nothing was wrong, but she wanted to die?

“Yeah, I’m okay. I miss you a bunch, though, you nerd.”

The answer was she couldn’t.

* * *

She could make it to winter break. She had to- Nina would come home, and Vanessa could tell her that she needed help. Simple. Easy as that.

It was at least as easy as trigonometry, right?

Let’s be honest, she didn’t keep track of the days simply for Nina’s benefit- she kept track of them because Daniela was starting to worry about her, asking her what was wrong, was she eating enough, was she sleeping enough? Vanessa felt the same every day, but the girl she saw in the mirror looked like she was living hell on earth.

She texted Nina. Maybe she could ask for help before Nina came home.

Nina didn’t text back.

Was she eating enough? Vanessa couldn’t remember what she had for breakfast, but it was probably whatever she made for her hungover mom. 

She sent another text. Only an hour had passed, but it felt like a lifetime.

Nothing.

She ran a hand through her hair, and noticed through the styling product that it was greasy, stringy- more than a couple strands came out when she moved her hand.

She shrugged it off. It was nothing.

But Daniela was worried, so Carla was worried, so they started bringing her over for dinner every night, feeding her at least a plate and a half of food every time.

Not that Vanessa was complaining. If nothing else, Carla was an excellent cook.

“Where have you been?”

Nowhere, nowhere.

“You were over with another boy, weren’t you?”

No. She was at Daniela’s like she was every night of this week. This month? How long had she been going over for?

“Don’t give me that shit. I know you’ve slept your way around the neighborhood. Who took your ugly ass in tonight?”

No one.

“Liar!”

Vanessa doubled over when the thrown bottle hit her in the chest. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

When she straightened, a slap sent her reeling.

She was angry tonight.

Blow after blow came, but Vanessa never fought back. She didn’t have the energy to even pick herself up until after the hits stopped, but how long ago did they stop? How long did she lay on the ground? When she looked up, her mom was passed out on the couch.

Vanessa stood shakily, her body aching already, and walked out of the apartment.

She sent another text to Nina as she walked the streets slowly.

She still didn’t get a reply.

She found herself on the fire escape. She could see the stars. Nina liked the stars.

Nina was probably busy.

That’s okay. Vanessa would be okay. She had to be okay.

She looked down.

She didn’t want to die.

Not yet, not like this.

Tears streamed down her face, the horror of the day catching up to her. 

How long had she been up here?

“I don’t want to die,” she croaked, looking up at the moon.

The city stilled, for just a moment. Held its breath. Waited.

She stepped off the fire escape.

She didn’t want to die.

**Author's Note:**

> please please please reach out to someone if you feel suicidal it gets easier i promise


End file.
